she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
