hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
