I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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