Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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