OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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