Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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