When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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