I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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