Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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