So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize