he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Success! We fucked roommates!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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