some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
