Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
