I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
