I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
