I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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