im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
