4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
