omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
