It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
