Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's rum buckets o'clock
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
