five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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