I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
