The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize