he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
