Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
