i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
