Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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