I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
