I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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