I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
