I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
