this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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