She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
