I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
