Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
