Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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