this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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