So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
