Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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