I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I wish there were birth control emojis
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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