You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
