Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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