Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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