i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
