At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
