using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
