He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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