im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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