I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
