i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
