Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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