So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
