My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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