Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
